Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
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The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?