I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
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*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
When I was a kid and my dad was 40yo, I used to think he must be an old man who was practically almost dead.
Now that I’m nearing 40, I know the truth: I was right.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
My background check bounced.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”