This is amazing.
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I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Breaking news:
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.