One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.
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Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss