Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
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Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Who called it inspirational posting and not chicken soup for the scroll?
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I’d use my best pan on you.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them