i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
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*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
Old MacDonald loaned me cash.
He I, he I owe.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat