Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
You Might Also Like
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
need a new bf mines broken 😐
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.