*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
You Might Also Like
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
I hate when people refer to some tv shows or snacks as “guilty pleasures.” You shouldn’t feel guilty based on what you’re eating or watching. You should feel guilty all the time.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial