ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
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“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.