3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
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My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
That de-escalated quickly
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.