I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
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“I’m an actress”
I watched your web series, and I disagree.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.