“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
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Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.