Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
You Might Also Like
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
absolutely not
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home