Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
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[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
I feel this so hard
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING