*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
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My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
the clam before the storm
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop