To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
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We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
My kitchen overserved me.
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Date: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a script editor.
Me: Are you any good?
Me: No.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.