the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
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Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
With this onion ring, I thee fed
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Someone just threatened to call me later
Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.