English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
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My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Good Cop: We want to help you. Just tell us who was with you on the night of August the 15th.
Bae Cop: My parents aren’t home. Come over.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
that de-escalated quickly
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
CUTE CAT‼︎
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun