every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
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If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.