Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
You Might Also Like
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Are you ok, human???
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.