“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
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Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah