*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
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I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Awwwww shit.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Just had my nails done!
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.