I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
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I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it