Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
You Might Also Like
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
*stays up all night watching true crime murder mysteries on tv*
*can’t come up with a good alibi why I’m late for work*
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Stop.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*