*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
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Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
can’t bark with your mouth full
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am