I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
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If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.