I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
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Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
My toddler pretended to leave for work this morning with no pants and a lunchbox full of mini donuts so my question is where do I apply for this job
i’ve had too much coffee
~ amateurs
also my go-to takeaway order
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Best spot.. 😅