Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
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ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
an airline just for babies.
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”