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3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
the prophecy has been fulfilled
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent