[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
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Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it