Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
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Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.