Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
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eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly