According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
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Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Put this video in the Louvre
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????