“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
You Might Also Like
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
@ candidates for local office
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health