My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
You Might Also Like
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive