My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
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*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.