Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
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Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Bruh PLEASE
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.