Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
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Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.