WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 饾摠饾摳饾摼’饾摶饾摦 饾摥饾攤饾摬饾摲饾摪 饾摴饾摶饾摳饾摣饾摢饾摣饾摰饾攤
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Everyone鈥檚 a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I鈥檓 buying rice and beans because I鈥檓 Mexican.
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
That鈥檚 Saturday nights plans ruined
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* 鈥andline
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs