My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
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Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
this is the greatest thing ever
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
I bet birds love this building.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool