Do one person every day that scares you.
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Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂