Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
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Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry