my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
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Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Banana is the quietest snack
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*