No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
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Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.