My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
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Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value