Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
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Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
idk flipping houses looks really hard
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
We cut our bangs at dawn.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
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[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Sunday
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
People keep wishing January was over like the worst month of the year isn’t coming up next. Thats like wishing someone would stop arguing with you and just punch you in the face.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
shampoo implies shampee
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.