This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
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“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
#NeverForget
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.