Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
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I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.