If you hate awkward silences, then necrophilia isn’t for you.
You Might Also Like
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.
I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
I just tested negative for patience.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO