Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.